Boundaries with kids

When I picked up our son for lunch on Friday, the principal called me into her office. There had been an incident that morning in school that she had to deal with in regards to an improper act of our son. We dealt with it over lunchtime and had him apologize to the teacher and to the classmate whom he had offended.

I had insomnia that night, so I went to my office and located Henry Cloud's and John Townsend's book Boundarie with Kids (Zondervan: Grand Rapids, 1998), given to us by my former classmate Dave Harff, who is now Children's Pastor at Smithtown Gospel Tabernacle in Long Island.

Chapter 1 is titled "The Future Is Now." Cloud and Townsend emphasize the importance of purpose-centered parenting. Parenting goes well beyond the present, as a parent is to prepare their child for the future by developing his character.

"If a person's character makeup determines his future, then child rearing is premarily about helping children to develop character that will take them through life safely, securely, productively, and joyfully...A major goal of raising children is to help them develop the character that will make their future go well." (p.15)

"Adults with boundary problems had not developed those problems as grown-ups. They had learned patterns early in life and then continued those out-of-control patterns in their adult lives, where the stakes were higher. They had learned the following boundary problems as youngsters:

*Inability to say no to hurtful people or set limits on hurtful behavior from others
*Inability to say no to their own self-destructive impulses
*Inability to hear no from others and respect their limits
*Inability to delay gratification and accomplish goals and tasks
*Tendency to be attracted to irresponsible or hurtful people and then try to "fix" them
*Taking responsibility for other people's lives
*Ability to be easily manipulated or controlled
*Struggles with intimacy and maintaining closeness with others
*Inability to be honest with those they are close to
*Inability to confront others and resolve conflicts productively
*Experiencing life as a victim instead of living it purposefully with a feeling of self-control
*Addictions and compulsions
*Disorganization and lack of follow-through (pp. 16-17)

Children are not born with boundaries...In fact, an accurate description of children is that they are little people who are out of control of themselves and atttempting to control everyone around them. They do not want to take control of themselves to adapt to the requirements of Mom and Dad; they want Mom and Dad to change the requirements. (p. 18)

You can see why parenting is so difficult. Children are not born with boundaries. They internalize boundaries from external relationships and discipline. In order for children to larn who they are and what they are responsible for, their parents have to have clear boundaries with them and relate to them in ways that help them learn their own boundaries (p. 18)

If boundaries are clear, children develop several qualities:
*A well-defined sense of who they are
*What they are responsible for
*The ability to choose
*The understanding that if they choose well, things will go well, and if they choose poorly, they will suffer
*The possibility for true love based in freedom (pp. 18-19)

The 3 roles of a parents
1. GUARDIAN: Provides the child with a safe environment for learning and gaining wisdom. Too little freedom to gain experience, and the child forever remains a child. Too much freedom, and the child is in danger of hurting himself. So balancing freedom and limits becomes a major task in child rearing.
2. MANAGER: Makes sure things get done--goals are reached, demands and expectations are met. Provide this discipline by controlling resources, teaching, enforcing consequences, correcting, chastising, maintaing order, and building skills. Oversee the day-to-day hard work of reaching goals.
3. SOURCE: Parents are the source of all good things for a child. They are the bridge to the outside world of resources that sustain life. And in giving and receiving resources, boundaries play a very important role. Children need to learn how to receive and use responsibly what is given them and gradually take over the role of meeting their own needs. In the beginning, parents are the source; they progressively give the child the independence to obtain what they need on their own. (pp. 19-21)

The bottom line is that I would like to envision what our children will be like in 20 years if we allow them to act in certain ways now. This requires the long view in using discipline and instruction to build proper character that will serve them well throughout their lifetimes.